


Don't Play With Your Food

by Wordsdear



Category: One Piece
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-20
Updated: 2017-01-20
Packaged: 2018-09-15 05:26:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9220706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wordsdear/pseuds/Wordsdear
Summary: Sanji finds something unexpected in the freezer, venison. Spoiler warning for Drum Island and beyond I guess.





	

**Author's Note:**

> A gigantic thank you to Peppernine-me for betaing this for me. And to the numerous people who put up with my yammering about this head canon at them. Also I promised Zorohime I would write a fic about Sanji being Chopper's Dad and this is kind of the start of that.

Sanji stared at the freezer door and took a deep breath. He must have misread it, or it was mislabeled, or this was all some kind of fevered dream. If this was a fever dream, he expected some beautiful dancing ladies. He opened the freezer door and pulled out the parcel. Venison. So not dancing ladies then. In little black letters clear as day and beside it almost as an afterthought, reindeer. It sounded like a devil fruit, the venison venison fruit mode reindeer. A small slightly hysterical laugh escaped his mouth and he bit his lip but it still echoed through the kitchen. This wasn’t a devil fruit or some kind of joke, it was a slab of meat. Reindeer meat. In his freezer. Outside he could hear the tap-tap of hooves and a gentle high-pitched laugh. Their ~~emergency food supply~~ new crewmate, he really should stop those jokes, was fitting in well. He stared harder at the letters willing them to rearrange themselves. Fantastic. 

He didn’t even remember buying it. Some do-gooder on Drum must have added it to their supplies not realizing one of their crewmates was a reindeer. Or was it Dalton’s idea of a joke? Or Doctorine? Probably Doctorine. This must be some kind of test, but for who and what was the passing grade? He squinted at the meat through the plastic wrap, he had never cooked reindeer exactly on the Baratie, but he had cooked a few venison dishes. It wasn’t on the menu often, mostly just when their supplier threw it in as an extra or Old Man Zeff wanted to try something different. He took a deep breath. It would make a good stew or he could roast it with some vegetables and serve it to the crew. It would be so easy. But the idea of Chopper staring at the food drooling made him want to throw up. Or Luffy asking for seconds. There were no chef guidelines for this; there are no human dishes. On the Merry right now he had a cookbook that has a whole chapter on venison. What if Chopper found it lying around? The poor kid was already a bundle of nerves and the jokes about him being the emergency food supply weren’t helping. He could rip the pages out of the book and burn them as a show of solidarity. But there was still the meat. He couldn’t throw it out, he just couldn’t. Chopper or no Chopper, it was still food. He couldn’t waste it, it was written in his DNA, in his soul. 

 

He could chop it up and have Luffy and Usopp use it for bait. But he had seen Luffy and even Usopp snack on the bait when they were especially bored and sometimes Chopper fished with them as well. The image of Chopper squeezing a small pink square on a hook flashed before his eyes. No. Not fishing then. Maybe wait and try trading it on the next island but who knew how long that would be, and in that time Luffy might do one of his kitchen raids and eat everything in the freezer. Did Luffy even bother to cook the stuff he stole or did he eat it raw and frozen? Maybe rubber stomachs didn’t get food poisoning. So what to do? Luffy wouldn’t realize it was venison. Meat was meat after all. He wasn’t even sure if Luffy really tasted food, he just kind of unhinged his jaw and ate everything in sight. Or-

 

 

He heard the kitchen door creak behind him (he would ask Usopp to fix it but it was a very good alarm) a head popped in and then quickly withdrew slamming the door. Think of the rubber boy and he shall appear. Sanji walked over and kicked the door open. 

“Luffy what do you think you are doing?”

“Nothing”

Luffy’s stomach growled, so he added 

“Sannjiiiii feeedddddd meeeee. I’m hungry”

Maybe the feed it to Luffy and not tell him what it was plan was for the best. But if Luffy somehow realized it was reindeer… ‘YOU KILLED CHOPPER’ echoed in his brain, even in his imagination Luffy was too loud. Still, it was worth a shot.

 

“Luffy, I’ll make you a meal but it is a secret, okay? You have to eat it here.” 

Even as he said it he realized it was a mistake. A quiet Luffy was an oxymoron.

“SECRET SNACK! FOOOOOD! MEAT MEAT MEATY MEAT MEAT”

 

Sanji brushed the four steaks with butter and threw on some spices. In one smooth motion he turned on the stove burner and placed a pan on top. It was from the Baratie. Still had the dent in it from when he tried to kill a spider with it as a kid. Old Man Zeff had flipped and given him a dent in the head to match. The meat began to fry. Five minutes and five slaps to Luffy’s head later the steaks were flipped. 

“Saaanjiiii I want meat now. It smells good so I can eat it now, right?”

“Five more minutes Luffy.” 

“That’s what you always say.”

“Well this time it really is.” 

“YOU’LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE!” 

Usopp was screaming outside the door but there was no cannon fire and Usopp wasn’t cowering in the kitchen, so probably a rousing game of tag. 

“ Are you sure you don’t want to just play tag till it is done?” 

With his nose half a centimeter from “his” steak Luffy replied

“Oh we aren’t playing tag anymore, this is hide and seek and everyone knows you’ll”

And somehow managing to curl his eyebrow, Luffy continued in a french accent that Sanji definitely did not have and that made his foot itch 

“-cut ze balls of anyone who comes into ze kitchen while I am making ze supper” 

Sanji pointedly raised his leg and Luffy gulped and continued, minus the accent.

“So I can hide and eat.”

“Whatever. One rei-,” Sanji coughed, “really good steak coming right up.”

“SECRET MEAT TIME!” 

And not even waiting for it to cool Luffy grabbed one of the steak off the still bubbling pan and shoved the whole thing in his mouth. 

“HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTT” 

“I tried to warn you.”

The door creaked open again and an enraged reindeer flashed before Sanji’s eyes but it was just The Asshole. 

“Hey love cook, if you are making snacks you can’t hog them all to yourself” 

Steaks aren’t really a snack. 

Moss head lumbered over and apparently, idiots think alike as he also grabbed it from the pan bare handed and popped it in his mouth. Steaks are not finger food, okay?

“MEAT PARTY! SECRET MEAT PARTY!”

Zoro wasn’t saying anything just chewing, when he stopped and turned to Sanji

“Hey ass cook, this isn’t beef so what the hell is it? It tastes kind of familiar.”

Luffy also stopped chewing. Sanji could see the gears in his Captain’s head furiously turning. Any second now steam was going to come pouring out of his ears. This wasn’t going to end well.

“When I got left in the woods I had to eat deer...CHOOOPPPERRRRRRRRRRRR” 

Luffy’s eyes were red, and the steak had fallen on the ground half chewed from his screaming mouth. Sanji couldn’t see straight, you didn’t waste food not in his kitchen and he readied a kick.

“You called? Is someone hurt?”

The small brown furred, pink hatted, and blue nosed wonder was right at the damn stove. What was the point of creaky doors if they didn’t creak? The moss head had left the door open, great. Chopper turned his head from side to side sizing up each person for injuries, with no one clearly bleeding he squeaked out 

“I thought I heard my name? And someone said food and I am kind of hungry. What are you guys eating?”

Zoro without missing a beat

“Your family”

Chopper’s eyes turned the size of dinner plates 

“DOCTORINE? CANNIBALS!?” 

Sanji placed his hand over Chopper’s mouth. His nose was cold. 

“Reindeer. Chopper, I cooked up some reindeer steaks okay? We got some at Drum and it is food so we had to use it, maybe I should've asked you, but as the ship cook I had to make a decision and I am sorry-“

Chopper jerked away from his hand. Sanji felt as if he had been bitten. He would have preferred that, at least he would have had a good excuse to kick something.

Chopper was going to leave. They had finally gotten a Doctor and Sanji had managed to scare the kid off in less then 24 hours. Every injury in battle would be met with ‘remember that time Sanji cooked a doctor off the ship and now we are all going to die but at least Sanji stuck to his principles so our stomachs are full, dead but full’.

“Sanji,it is okay. Take a deep breath. 1-2-3, there nice and easy.” 

“Pleasedon’tpoisonmeortakeawaymysmokes” 

Chopper should be the one panicking not him, this was ridiculous. But there was something about those little beady eyes staring at him from under that hat that made him want to hide under the kitchen sink. Disappointment. Put a giant chef hat on Chopper and you’d have the spitting image of Da...Zeff. It certainly didn’t help that Luffy was still seeing red despite Chopper being very much alive right in front of him, and Zoro’s quiet judgment, Zoro should call him an asshole like normal and get it over with. 

Chopper had to swat away a grabby Luffy who seemed to be intent on checking that Chopper wasn’t missing any important bits. 

“Sanji, a lot of animals eat reindeer. Wolves, hiking bears, and cougars hunt reindeer. The weak get eaten. I barely got away from some before I ate my devil fruit. It isn’t personal, it is just the food chain. So it is fine. I am not mad. Or scared. I just didn’t expect it I guess.” 

The last bit was almost a whisper

” I got comfortable. Guess you can’t escape the food chain.”

“We aren’t wolves Chopper, we are your crewmates. You shouldn’t have to worry about the food chain here. I am sorry”

 

“You don’t have anything to apologize for Sanji. You are a cook, it’s food”

Chopper was still staring at the floor

“That would be a lot more convincing if you were able to look me in the eye, Chopper”

“So are we eating it or not?”

Such tact from the Moss Head. Sanji stole a glance at the swordsman, he wasn’t smirking or impatient, he was just intently looking at Chopper, waiting. 

Chopper tore his eyes from the floor boards and met Sanji’s gaze, his eyes were dry.

“Sanji’s the cook. It is up to him”

Sanji almost passed the buck, let the captain decide, but this was between Chopper and Sanji. He stared from the meat to Chopper. Old Man Zeff had always told him to never play with his food. Looks like he had screwed that up too. 

“It’s food. But no reason it can’t be fish food. I’ll use it to catch us something even better”

“You mean bigger?!”

“Sure Luffy, whatever you want”

“Yummmmmm. Mmmeeeaatttt”

“I’ll help.”

“Chopper, you don’t have to, I can do this”

Chopper puffed out his chest, Usopp was already rubbing off on him, how many hours had it been?

“No, I want to. I’m a pirate now, I need to be able to handle anything”

“Some things go beyond pirate. I’ll catch the fish and you help me fry it. Deal?”

According to Old Man Zeff the northern star could be used to guide you home, the Straw Hats had learned you couldn’t even rely on that on the Grand Line, but the stars in Chopper’s eyes put it to shame. They were the brightest thing on the Grand Line.

“Really!???”

Sanji stared down at his small fur covered crew mate and remembered that Old Man Zeff had kicked wearing a hairnet into him. Screw it, anyone who complained about some brown hairs could eat the rest of their meal through a shitty straw.

“Really.”

Sanji turned back to the bubbling pan to begin the bait making process and was greeted by an empty pan.

“What”

He kicked the Moss Head who having decided the kitchen was a good place for nap had somehow napped himself into a coma like state in a matter of seconds. The kick was easily blocked with a sheathed sword, let sleeping moss lie, and he heard a muffled laugh.

“Luuffffyyyyyyy!”

Luffy swallowed.

“I was hungry and angry so I ate the rest. Problem solved”

“Get. Out”

“But Saaanjii I’m still hungry”

Fixing everything with a smile, what a Captain.

“You aren’t getting any meat for a week”

“But Saaannjjiiiii. Rude, you’re rude”

And sticking out his tongue Luffy ran out of the kitchen yelling as he left

“SINCE YOU DIDN’T TOUCH ME YOU’RE STILL IT FOR HIDE AND SEEK CHOPPER!”

“YOU CHEATER! THAT ISN’T HOW IT WORKS AND YOU KNOW IT LUFFY!”

And with that Chopper was chasing after him laughing and Sanji was left with an empty kitchen, or well almost empty give or take a few bits of moss. 

The door creaked open

“Thanks Sanji”

It started to creak shut

“But no smokes for a week”

**Author's Note:**

> Also a thank you to the person who suggested how Chopper ended up reacting, I can't remember who it was though.


End file.
